I've never been the gregarious type. When I get invited to parties (which is very seldom), I always, ALWAYS make friends with the host's pet first rather than the people invited. It should come as no surprise then that I'm a complete slouch when it comes to dating.
My generation (X) invented online dating, and it's here that I've found 99.99% of my dates with guys (I say 'dates', but really, I don't always mean 'dates', in the traditional movies-and-dinner kind of way). Gay.com, Manhunt, and more recently Grindr, Scruff and Jack'd are apps that you can download on your smartphone and you can start browsing the hundreds of guys around your local area (and the world)! With this kind of mobility, you'd think this would make things much easier, right? Guys pairing off left, right and centre. Unfortunately, this isn't the case, or at least it hasn't been in my case.
What's your 'type'?
Here's the thing: I know that everyone's got their own personal preference, their own set of characteristics that they look for in a potential partner. This is true regardless of sexuality: some guys like brunettes, some girls like guys who are taller than them, some people are into particular physical stereotypes. And that's okay.
When looking through dating profiles, I always key in on guys who seem to be liberal in their tastes in guys. And if I'm feeling confident enough to upload a photo, I do -- just so they know that I'm Asian. But even then, when a guy's profile says he's into Asian dudes, he might only be into a certain type of 'Asian'. But of course, there's plenty of us to choose from: Japanese, Chinese, Thai, Filipino, Indian all have physical archetypes.
Complex as this is, it gets even hairier when you consider that within gay subculture, there are quite specific 'types' that people identify with and base their attractions on: Bears (largish guys, almost always hairy), twinks (younger, slender guys), jocks (athletic, Adonis types), geeks ('smart' guys, glasses) etc.
It's like you have to pigeonhole yourself in order for someone to find you attractive. It's... in a word, demoralizing for someone such as me, who is the human equivalent of a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. *ahem* I mean, I'm not horribly unfit, but definitely not a jock, nor a twink. I'm definitely a geek of more than one stripe and proudly so, but even if you open identify with one section of the gay spectrum, doesn't mean that you automatically get a free pass if say, you found someone interested in dating an Asian man.
It's an easy path to thinking that no one finds you attractive when you don't get any messages expressing an interest in meeting or even chatting. Worse still is when you pluck up the courage to message someone and they don't even acknowledge you. Some guys argue that in this day and age and in the context specific to dating apps, it's more expedient to just ignore messages you receive from guys you don't find attractive rather than reply and give them a reason to believe that you're even a little bit interested. Many will say I should learn to expect this, to grow thicker skin, that "it's tough out there, kid!" I find it baffling that in search of emotional connection, we are told to divest ourselves of our capacity to feel when you experience rejection. Show vulnerability, but don't be surprised if you get hurt.
Right now, I'm on the train pondering this and wondering whether any of the three guys I messaged and never received responses from over the weekend thought this way, but it's just making me sadder.
This is Reason #2 why I'm trying to learn to #takeabetterselfie. Those three guys might have passed on me, but I'm not going to. This is Day 2.
No comments:
Post a Comment