
More than a month ago, I attended the a queer craft group at Hares & Hyenas in Fitzroy and met some lovely craft-positive people. The day itself was auspicious as it was National Coming Out Day (11th October), and this meeting would be my first time meeting people socially in the 'community' again.
This wasn't my first time 'coming out'. The first time I did such a thing was a few years after I arrived in Australia. I joined the Young & Gay group, a program run by the Victorian AIDS Council where guys my age could meet up and talk about relevant issues. I wasn't sure where I plucked up the courage to join the group, given that I was still finding my feet then, still negotiating identities (Asian, new Australian, gay, etc.). But as with all coming of age stories, my recollections of this initial foray is bittersweet for reasons I'll probably reveal in a future post.
Venturing into a bookstore -- a space where I would normally feel most comfortable, in part of a city considered to be one of Melbourne's so-called queer heartlands, one would think would be akin to a homecoming of sorts. In a way, it was, but as with all homecomings, there is always a feeling of trepidation and uncertainty which leaves you wondering whether you really belong.
I'm not sure if I've found home in Melbourne. I've certainly envisioned places where I've never been (yet) to be home, and this yearning to belong drives me to keep on seeking it out.
I do know what it feels like. I know it's bound up in feelings of security and safety, of comfort and warmth. It's a space where you are free to be yourself, to be alone with your thoughts. It's where you come to nest. It is soft. It is where sleep comes to you easily. It is where your books gather dust. It is where you share you meals. It is where you heal, where you lick your wounds. It is where you can stare at the ceiling, and see beyond it, the skies, the stars with clarity. It is where you invite those you wish to share your life.
Do I feel at home in Melbourne? Do I feel at home in Australia? Yes, to a degree. I have definitely set down roots here, and there are many things here for which I am grateful. The friends I've made, my employment and my education, the fact that I can receive world-class medical care if me or my family needs it, the intellectual, psychological, social freedom this society affords. I am privileged and blessed. But do these make this place home? I'm not sure.
In any case, I hope to be writing more often in the next few days. It's really nice that a few of you have been asking about the blog, and when I was going to update it. Thanks for reading, and for sticking around.