Harsh reflections

One thing I've learned with this whole blogging thing is that finding things to write about can sometimes be hard.  Sure, there might be legitimate reasons why this is true, but perhaps it's not that hard finding something to write about, it's just that we've run out of easy things to discuss in our writing.

Today, Rob and I went to the Gisborne Market which happens every first Sunday of the month to see what it's all about, but mostly to visit Cathy (of Cat & Sparrow Fibres) and Erica of Small Finds at their stall.

Now, I could go on about how beautiful a day it was (no, really -- it was a gorgeous day, although one could be forgiven for thinking that someone cancelled spring and we were already into the first week of summer), or how awesome the market was (there were tons of people, and so many amazing stalls, so much that I'd like to make going there a regular trip), or how much I am coming to like Gisborne (it is  a lovely place; I've only been once before with friends, and while the market really does transform the town, the charm of the place is quite evident.  Maybe I'd even like to move there some day).

All easy things to write about, right?

Well, that's not what I'm writing about today.  As it happens, some pictures and videos were taken today which made me confront the way I saw myself, and how I thought how other people saw me.  Rob very kindly shot a few photos and videos of Cathy and I spinning, all in good fun.

But when I first viewed them, it wasn't my spinning that I noticed.  Predictably, I saw my double chin, the unflattering folds around my waist, the scars up and down my arms (I thought, "My god, they are really noticeable.  You'd be blind not to notice them.  They must think I'm some kind of freak."), my general unkempt appearance and poor posture.  And now they're up on my Facebook in all their cringe-worthy glory.   Sigh.

I thought to myself, "This is why no one wants to be with you.  This is why you don't get asked out on dates.  This is why no one calls you back."

Admittedly, I was pretty harsh with the internal dialogue.  Actually, it wasn't so much a dialogue as a one-sided complete and utter put down sesh in my head.  And I've found that I'm terribly good at it.

Body image, for me, as it probably is for a lot of people, is such a pernicious issue, and I'll be the first to admit that I haven't really found a solution that has 'solved' it for me.  Affirmations get you part of the way there, but there comes a point where even the most receptive of minds will perceive them as cloyingly trite.  And if you think about it too much, you can get down on yourself because you're being down on yourself about such a petty and trivial thing like physical appearance -- some people have some real problems, goddammit.

It's a damn shame that I've let something so small affect me so much that taking another damn selfie is the last thing I want to do at the moment.  So for the time being, I'm covering all the mirrors.  I'm sorry.