On the fear and inevitability of falling.

Forces of nature

We are slaves to attraction.  These bonds keep the atoms that make up our corporeal bodies from disintegrating.  It keeps us tethered to the earth, and it is what draws us to each other.

I believe who you find attractive isn't fixed, but I don't think you have any semblance of control over it.  Everyone has a picture of their ideal partner in their heads, a composite of features that when realised is the manifestation of one's desires.

I've known that I'm gay for a long time, and I've had my fair share of guys to whom I found myself attracted.  They were different guys of different backgrounds and ages, but in each case, attraction was instant, inevitable and undeniable. 

As it is, attraction often leads to a violent, destructive event.  Two bodies meet, one exerts a greater force of attraction than the other, they collide, resulting in the smaller, more fragile one being annihilated.

In the aftermath, you feel broken and the core of who you are has been fractured and ejected back into the atmosphere.  You linger, vestiges of that same cataclysmic attraction still keeping you near, but at arms length from your destroyer.  You exist but only as fragments, clouds of dust and sharp, jagged shards caught in his orbit.

All those years I've spent alone

building a tinder-dry

fortress of wood and twine

All it takes 

Is one spark

From your fevered lips

To set me alight 

And reduce me to ashes.

Coalescence 

It will seem like eternity.  Your shapeless form will seem like it's the only one you've ever known.  But eventually, attraction will grow feeble either through the passage of time or perhaps through the awakening of other forces of attraction.  You will drift away and escape.  You may forget, or you may not, after all, you still bear the scars of that encounter.

Slowly, you begin to collect knowledge as you move through space and time.  Your body will change, your mind will be an accretion of memory and experience, and you will grow.  Soon, you will no longer feel disembodied.  You will feel your bones within you, you will feel your breath return to your lungs.You will feel alive again.

And when you are ready, and only when you are ready, will you know attraction once again.  You will feel its familiar pull towards a brightness whose countenance might stir fear in you.  The fear of once again being broken and hollow.  The fear of falling.

But even as you draw ever closer, feel that rush of air beneath you, your heart beating in your throat, a thought is kindled in your mind: this is what we do.  We fall.  We pick ourselves up again. And we learn.

 This is Day 5.


(Hey, future husband.  If you're reading this, this is where your head should be resting: beside mine.)

"So I downloaded this dating app..."

...is the start of a story that doesn't have a good ending.

So I downloaded this dating app* last week and created a profile with a nice photo of myself (see below), and browsed the guys around my local area, not expecting much, because you know, Prince Charming isn't just going to be living a couple of blocks from you.  No, that would be too easy.  

I got a couple of invitations to hook-up but nothing that addressed what I wanted as stated on my profile.  I intimated that I wanted "lasting connections, friendships or more" which a cheekily added "be a guy I knit for."  

Nope, nothing.  No bites.  But, really, no worries.  I'm realistic.

Field studies

Most mobile dating apps these days come with location services as standard.  This coupled with travelling on the train provides an interesting way to create a transect across Melbourne's suburbs to collect data about the guys that use these apps.  I mean, did you know that the number of guys with washboard abs and/or lumbersexual beards increases with proximity to the city?  There's a journal article to be written here somewhere.  

Could guys with washboard abs and/or lumbersexual beards please contact me?  It's for research.

Into the deep end

I decided to be proactive about talking to guys and started messaging guys whom I found interesting.  'Interesting' for me isn't just about how the guy looks. If he hasn't put enough detail about himself in his bio, you already know what he's banking on to get noticed.  Unfortunately, none of the guys replied to my messages.

For me, honesty is my currency.  I try to present my best self to people and attempt to be as upfront about my intentions with people I meet, whether in person or online.  To be this honest makes you vulnerable, and for introverts such as myself, this is perhaps the hardest thing to do when meeting people.  And I'll always, ALWAYS reply to a message, even the really odd ones.  I really don't mind if you say that I'm not what you're looking for.  In fact, I would prefer it.  What I really don't appreciate is ambiguity or apathy.  

The internet can be a toxic place, there's no doubt about that.  And you don't have to say hurtful things to someone to cause hurt.  Ignoring them can be just as detrimental.  It's often been said that if you wouldn't say something to someone face-to-face, then don't say it to them online.  Likewise, if you were any kind of decent person, you wouldn't turn your back on a handshake extended to you in friendship.

So what happened to those dating apps?  I've deleted them off my phone.  I decided that they were doing my head in.  If that means that I've effectively nullified my chances of meeting someone through those channels, then so be it.  I'm fairly certain the kind of guy I'm looking for, who has the same values as I do, who would treat people the same way as I would, wouldn't be there anyway.  I think it's been a good decision.  


Please be good to each other, guys.  Day 4.

(And oh, yeah:  I trimmed my beard.  Behold: designer stubble.)

















(*Actually, calling it a dating app is excessively generous.  It's a hook-up app for gay guys, but it seems to be the predominant way to meet people these days.)

How to #takeabetterselfie: a few tips and tricks

...but first

I feel like I need to apologise right now for spamming your Facebook and Instagram feeds with my mug.  I've just realized that taking a selfie is one thing, and it's another to share it on your social media. It won't happen as often now, but if you still want to come along on my #takeabetterselfie journey, just come and read my blog; I'll share new selfies here.  I'll get better at this, I promise.



Advice for the uninitiated

So, on Sunday morning, I woke up feeling crappy over the events of the days prior.  Without thinking too much, the first thing I do is check my phone, and this article on Medium by Aanand Prasad about taking better selfies appeared on my Facebook feed, which I suppose provided me with just the impetus to embark on this whole thing.

Besides providing really useful tips on how to #takeabetterselfie, Aanand is pretty easy on the eyes and has an English accent to boot.  Seriously, check out his Instagram for the selfies that made his cut.  I could listen to him talk about his new washing machine all day.

Anyway, if you can tear your gaze away from his beautiful eyes, Aanand actually has some great tips to make your next selfie a success.  Here are a few things I've learned from applying his tips:

One is rarely enough. 

Chances are the first few shots you take will be shite. You'll be self-conscious and your face won't do what you want it to. Here's when most people will quit: the shot won't be right, you won't like the way you look, it puts you off taking selfies altogether. 

Aanand says it usually takes him anywhere from 1-20 shots to get the one that makes the cut. Don't worry -- taking selfies is just like any other skill: the more you do it, the better you'll get. You'll know which angle you like being photographed, what kind of lighting suits your skin tone, etc. 

I've been guilty of being impatient with the process, too. Just relax, allow yourself to experiment and you'll get the shot right.

Walk, don't run, into the light

This is key, guys.  You'll most likely get the best selfies in indirect natural light.  Too much can make you look pale and puffy.  Aanand recommends starting off indoors, near a window. If you have blinds or any means to control the amount of light coming in, use it.

Try out different apps

I don't like the iPhone's native camera app. When you use the forward facing camera, it captures a mirror image of the photo you took.  This isn't the way I see myself, which is a strange thing to say because the camera's just showing me how other people see me.  The way I'm used to seeing myself is my image in a mirror, so I try and use apps that take photos the way I am used to seeing myself.  I agree with Aanand's recommendation to use B612 [iOS/Android].  It has a bunch of nice filters too and its pretty easy to use.  Instagram's great too, but I use it more as a sharing platform.

Thanks for sticking with me, guys.

Unfortunately, today's not been the best: a combination of being uplifted by new music (I just discovered Troye Sivan) and at the same time fueling the pyre of my yearning for well... everything I don't have (see again: Troye Sivan).  Yep. :-/

Watch the video below.  Feel your heart swell, etc.  This is Day 3.

Reason #2 why I'm learning to #takeabetterselfie

Dating is the pits

I've never been the gregarious type.  When I get invited to parties (which is very seldom), I always, ALWAYS make friends with the host's pet first rather than the people invited.  It should come as no surprise then that I'm a complete slouch when it comes to dating.

#creepcat #takeabetterselfie

A photo posted by Wil Villareal (@watchwilwritewords) on Sep 7, 2015 at 2:18pm PDT

My generation (X) invented online dating, and it's here that I've found 99.99% of my dates with guys (I say 'dates', but really, I don't always mean 'dates', in the traditional movies-and-dinner kind of way).  Gay.com, Manhunt, and more recently Grindr, Scruff and Jack'd are apps that you can download on your smartphone and you can start browsing the hundreds of guys around your local area (and the world)!  With this kind of mobility, you'd think this would make things much easier, right?  Guys pairing off left, right and centre.  Unfortunately, this isn't the case, or at least it hasn't been in my case.

What's your 'type'?

Here's the thing: I know that everyone's got their own personal preference, their own set of characteristics that they look for in a potential partner.  This is true regardless of sexuality: some guys like brunettes, some girls like guys who are taller than them, some people are into particular physical stereotypes.  And that's okay.

When looking through dating profiles, I always key in on guys who seem to be liberal in their tastes in guys.  And if I'm feeling confident enough to upload a photo, I do -- just so they know that I'm Asian.  But even then, when a guy's profile says he's into Asian dudes, he might only be into a certain type of 'Asian'.  But of course, there's plenty of us to choose from: Japanese, Chinese, Thai, Filipino, Indian all have physical archetypes.

Complex as this is, it gets even hairier when you consider that within gay subculture, there are quite specific 'types' that people identify with and base their attractions on: Bears (largish guys, almost always hairy), twinks (younger, slender guys), jocks (athletic, Adonis types), geeks ('smart' guys, glasses) etc.

It's like you have to pigeonhole yourself in order for someone to find you attractive. It's... in a word, demoralizing for someone such as me, who is the human equivalent of a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. *ahem*  I mean, I'm not horribly unfit, but definitely not a jock, nor a twink. I'm definitely a geek of more than one stripe and proudly so, but even if you open identify with one section of the gay spectrum, doesn't mean that you automatically get a free pass if say, you found someone interested in dating an Asian man.

It's an easy path to thinking that no one finds you attractive when you don't get any messages expressing an interest in meeting or even chatting. Worse still is when you pluck up the courage to message someone and they don't even acknowledge you. Some guys argue that in this day and age and in the context specific to dating apps, it's more expedient to just ignore messages you receive from guys you don't find attractive rather than reply and give them a reason to believe that you're even a little bit interested. Many will say I should learn to expect this, to grow thicker skin, that "it's tough out there, kid!"  I find it baffling that in search of emotional connection, we are told to divest ourselves of our capacity to feel when you experience rejection. Show vulnerability, but don't be surprised if you get hurt. 

Right now, I'm on the train pondering this and wondering whether any of the three guys I messaged and never received responses from over the weekend thought this way, but it's just making me sadder. 

This is Reason #2 why I'm trying to learn to #takeabetterselfie.  Those three guys might have passed on me, but I'm not going to. This is Day 2.

#takeabetterselfie for #breakfast: Day 2

A photo posted by Wil Villareal (@watchwilwritewords) on Sep 7, 2015 at 4:05pm PDT

#takeabetterselfie: Day 1

The why's and wherefore's

I've never been one to like my photo taken. I've liked very few photos of me over the years; I've always detested how I looked in them, even as a child. It's mostly to do with my weight and the self-esteem issues that are inevitably tied to it.  Sideview = double chin.  Forget it.  It ain't the Renaissance, kid.  So not a lot of photos of me growing up, except those begrudgingly taken during family events. 

So why start taking pictures of myself now? Especially when eschewing the technologically-mediated narcissism brought on by the cult of the selfie seems to be the more virtuous option? 

Well, there are a couple of reasons:

Over the past few months, I've experienced a bit of a health crisis: I was diagnosed with a disfiguring skin condition, type-2 diabetes, and hypertension all in that short span of time. Needless to say, I've had to make drastic changes to the way I live, and it hasn't been easy. But I'm coping, and there has been some progress -- not as much as I would like, but slow and steady is better than none. 

Trying to learn to #takeabetterselfie: Day 1

A photo posted by Wil Villareal (@watchwilwritewords) on Sep 6, 2015 at 2:20pm PDT

As a result of my physical frailties, I've been feeling emotionally vulnerable. My spinning and knitting have been keeping me buoyant which is for me is literally lifesaving. But late last week, it came to a point where things Just.  Got.  Harder.  Admittedly, it's partly my fault for inviting the black dog in (again) but I'll talk about Reason #2 in the next post.

As many of you know, I'm gay.  If you don't then, yeah, Wil's gay.  It's not a big deal, I assure you.  I just like men.  And I like many other guys like me, I hope that one day I can share my life with someone who's just as crazy about me as I am about him.  Maybe I'll even get to walk down the aisle, and for those of you who have shown me love and acceptance, I hope will all be there to share this experience with me.

Anyway, I'm not romantically involved with anyone at the moment.  I haven't really had a significant other since my last long-term relationship ended... I want to say 2006 or '07?  I can't really remember, and in any case, it's not really important.  My former partner of 8 years is one of the most loyal and compassionate human beings I've ever had the fortune to know and is still one of my best friends.  I still love him, and I hope I never fail to show him how much.  He's a big part of why I'm trying to learn to #takeabetterselfie.

But yes, I'm single.  And last week, with my emotional unease already high (thinking about Oliver Sack's death, the refugee crisis in Europe, general depression over the state of Australian political leadership, or lack thereof), I made the mistake of entertaining thoughts of the futility of trying to meet someone for a long-term relationship.  What if I never get married?  What if I never experience the joy of living a shared existence with someone?  What if no one finds me attractive because of my weight/ethnicity/medical conditions?  Will I ever be happy again?

The answer to all the questions, was predictably, 'no'.  So far, I've been pretty good at talking myself down from these kinds of precipices before, which is probably why I've been generally okay with being by myself all this time.  But last week was a little bit more difficult, and I couldn't prop myself back up.  I needed something to remind myself that I was OK, am OK, and was going to be OK.  I need to to affirm this to myself.

There are no real rules to convey affirmations to yourself: you can stand in front of a mirror, or lie in bed, or have your eyes closed on a crowded train.  It doesn't matter; what matters is you let yourself hear what you need to hear to get you over that bump.

For me, I've decided to take selfies.  And I'm going to try to be good at it.  Taking a good selfie just says to me, "Hey. you look good today." or "You're totally dateable!" or simply, "Today was a good day.  You should be proud of yourself."

For me, taking selfies isn't so much an exercise in narcissism.  For me, it is an act of survival.   I need to celebrate myself and the life I have every chance I get.  I need to remind myself that I am complete, and I will make one lucky guy out there a great husband.

So yeah, this is me, taking selfies.  Day 1.

You CAN make friends with salad! #takeabetterselfie #harderthanitlooks

A photo posted by Wil Villareal (@watchwilwritewords) on Sep 6, 2015 at 5:19pm PDT